For those who care for someone with Parkinson's disease
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My husband picks on our son, and it is increasing and getting so very difficult. The other night my husband was in the kitchen with his walker inches away. Our son was with me in another room. I heard my husband yell, and then what sounded like he fell. As I went running to check on him, he announced (very clearly, which was remarkable given that usually no one can understand what he is saying without multiple attempts) that our son had deliberately pulled his walker away from him so that he would fall. I still can't believe he would accuse his son (or anyone, really) of something like that. I was flabbergasted he would make such an outlandish accusation and told him that our son was actually with me in another room and nothing of the kind had happened. Our son was furious at being falsely accused and glared at me before going to his room where he stayed the rest of the night. I helped my husband up and asked him why he would accuse his son of pulling his walker away, and he wouldn't answer. He didn't say much the rest of the evening and went to bed shortly thereafter without saying goodnight. My impression was that he was pouting somehow, or was mad that I didn't yell at our son for what my husband accused him of. Most recently he (again with great clarity) accused our son of saying that he "was a loser". He always yells at me the bad things he says our son did or said, like he is tattling on him. And he is always able to do this very clearly, no mumbling. I know this latest incident didn't happen either, though, because I was several yards behind my husband when our son came in the room to get his water bottle and he didn't even speak to his dad. Why would my husband be picking on our son like this? I have explained to him that falsely accusing our son of things only makes an already very difficult situation worse. He doesn't seem to care, and gets mad at me for not believing him or taking his side. This is happening more and more frequently (no med changes) and I'm afraid my son might run away if this keeps up. I haven't read anything about this in the PD literature but since we have cognitive issues maybe that is what is going on? Either way, does anyone have any suggestions? Our kids get so tired of hearing me tell them daddy is sick and he can't help it, especially when he is able to speak and move pretty normally at times like this. A lose-lose situation if there ever was one. |
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There are psychological issues involved in PD. Mom has had paranoia and delusions, and occasionally hallucinations (thus far the hallucinations have been connected to other medications, or perhaps other medications aggravating her cognitive symptoms of Parkinson's). The thing is, you and your son may know the accusation is false, but he may have (at least) believed it at the time. If he has come to see it was false, he is probably angry and embarrassed (angry at the disease and the situation as a whole, and embarrassed about what he did). If he hasn't come to see it was false, he's probably still irrationally angry at your son. In either case, though, he wouldn't be purposefully lying to hurt someone. (And if he's a little paranoid, he may be angry or suspicious of everyone, and then makes up reasons in his mind to justify the anger and suspicion.) There is a term called "insight" where a person realizes on some level their delusions or hallucinations are not real. If they have insight, they realize it isn't real--it's just their brain/disease playing tricks on them. If they don't have insight, they completely believe their delusions or hallucinations. You mention that he moves normally when he does these things, but the movement and the cognitive issues don't necessarily work in the same way at the same times. From my experience with my mom, it's very difficult sometimes to adjust my mental "model" of who mom is to include the disease. When I'm tired and she's being irrational, I will argue with her, even when I know she can't help it (because in my mind, especially when I'm tired or angry, she's still "mom" from 30 years ago doing something totally out of character and I'm annoyed and angry that she's doing this irrational thing). We're only human and doing the best we can. As an aside, there have been times when she was being mean or borderline (verbally) abusive, usually in relation to med changes, and I simply demanded (in a calm yet firm voice that says I won't back down) she behave and pointed out exactly where she was being completely unfair, how much I was doing to help her, etc., and that would usually snap her mostly out of it (or I would continue arguing as calmly, rationally, with tons of supporting details about how much I was doing and how kind I have been--which is inescapably true). Of course mom is a small lady and she couldn't actually hurt me if she tried. Your situation may be different if you are managing a much larger, stronger person who might be confused. Others may have better advice. |
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Hi Lurkingforacure Your situation is very much like mine. My PWP has made horrid accusations both to our daughter and son. Just last week I got phone call in work from him to tell me our 14 yr old son while making him a sandwich picked his nose and placed it in his sandwich! He went on to say that he refused the sandwich and our son was caught right in the act. He told me that I have to take control of our son and I was not to try to protect our son like I always do! He has also accused my daughter of 'coming on to him' when she was 16 yrs old she is now 20 yrs old and this accusation happened last week. They are most definately delusions and truly believes they happened 100%. Our children have a very poor relationship with him if indeed any. I have tried to tell them how their father was before parkinson's and how he loves them Our 14yr old response is he does not know his father and appreciates what I am saying but he does not know him. It's very very sad. We are coping as best we can but sometimes the hurt goes too deep. My husband is on the waiting list for long term care . You are not alone and unfortunately this is life with parkinson's. |
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Wow, Checkmate, I'm really sorry to say this but I actually felt better reading your post. I feel like our situation is so very different from almost everyone else's and that makes things so much harder. Somehow it helps knowing that other parents with PD also accuse their children of bad things. Sounds like my kid's responses to those accusations and our situation is "normal", whatever that means. When you say "long term care", what does that mean- assisted living, a memory care facility, or something in between? |
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On the same note, my DH has become incredibly jealous of our son and gets very angry when I spend any time helping him with homework or showing too much interest in his projects. Our son who is by nature, very affectionate and always ready with a hug or a kiss has learned to not be too outwardly expressive towards me when Daddy is in the room.. which is sad. He understands but sometimes when he tries to help his father, he gets the brunt of an angry response because DH wants me and only me to attend to him. Oh, I could go on and on but I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and know exactly where you are coming from on this one. |
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Sadly, we have the same thing....like the other day I came home from work and my husband had left the stove on, the gas burner going, for who knows how long, and he tried to blame it on our teenage daughter, which just started a big fight between the two, she said she just went straight to her room after school and hadn't even been in the kitchen, but he accused her of lying, etc etc... Those sorts of fights and accusations happen all the time at our house, and the kids are young enough that no explanation of "Daddy's sick" is really good enough in a child's mind.... 
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| I don't know how teens and younger children deal with this. I'm 44 and I feel like I'm barely holding things together. |
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| Our situation is different from all you Moms dealing with "Dad" issues. But we have an eight year old that is part of our family. Granted, since she was 18 months old (and her daddy took his life) she has seen Grandpa in the downward spiral, and have good periods too. I found it interesting last week when she was on the computer she overheard our bickering about whether or not he was safe to go out in the backyard alone (unsupervised). She took it upon herself to get her jacket on and say "I'll go with you Grandpa, and if you need Grandma I will go get her". Wow, the maturity some kids muster when you least expect it. He knows with the recent rains that the weeds are taking root in his raised vegetable garden. He IS still able to weed from the wheelchair if the seatbelt is fastened. The other thing I laughed at was that she told him "if I need a jacket, so do you". 60 degrees isn't cold, but with the wind, he did not stay long. Good luck to the Mom's children whose fathers have early onset. Maybe when they see him in a facility setting, and around people much worse, it will sink in that when they say hurtful things it is really that devil Parkinson talking through him. |