Helping Those Who Care for Parkinson's Patients
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| I have been attempting to find ways to handle my husband's verbal abuse. I have ignored it, spoken softly to him, and on a few occasions engaged with him. This behavior is now starting to occur with others. He has threatened suicide, will not follow his neurologist's orders, sleeps 10-15 hours a day. He sees a psychologist. I know there are others here that experience the anger and verbal abuse. How have you handled it? |
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This is a tough one, especially as you get further into the disease. For us, I try to remember that my husband is regressing emotionally as well, and just doesn't have the control (or understanding) that he used to. Having said that, even toddlers know when their behaviour is outside the bounds set in your home, so I think it's fair for caregivers to expect as good a behaviour as our loved ones are capable of providing. VioletV had an excellent post on this forum about this-you might want to check it out. For me, when my husband gets ugly, I make sure that he is safe and then I walk away. This prevents the situation from escalating and him from saying more hurtful things to me (some have been doozies, as I'm sure everyone here can relate, and no, it really doesn't help that much when you've been cut to the core (again) to know that he has dementia). Depending on his mood, I might explain that what he said was cruel and mean and how would he feel if I said those things to him, but I don't think he gets that anymore. The main thing is that everyone is safe: he from a physical standpoint, and you from an emotional one. Everyone probably has their own ways of accomplishing this, so please share what works for you. |
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Hi Sundial I haven't been on here in a while but your topic hit a nerve. I have yet to receive "advice" that helps coping with the verbal abuse and meanness. After 37 years of a "please and thank you honey" relationship the remarks cut deep. Broken bones can be mended and heal, it is harder to fix a broken spirit. They say do something for yourself, how,when what? How does that help when at 2AM you are woken up to be berated? Or accused of things while you are asleep? Who knew Parkinson's causes such mental disturbance? The caregiver is medically divorced from their "normal" spouse without either person consenting to it. I private duty cared for my mom, give me a colostomy bag any day but... talk back, don't talk back, try to reason, walk out of the room still leaves the evil air hanging in the house. Paranoid delusions per the Neurologist are too real to the pwp so a verbal dispute is a waste. Add anxiety, depression and major sleep disturbance(his which affects mine) and the caregiver is buried under the weight. I really would like to know how the caregivers of the pwp deal with the 360 degree personality changes especially when you are used to a kind loving person before? I hope some forum suggestions give you a foundation to formulate a game plan for the next verbal abuse. |
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Respite care can really help give you a break. I learned this when our neuro scripted my husband for a couple of weeks at the hospital for intensive therapy (it didn't help him, but it sure helped me get some rest). I was like a different person, it was both incredible and scary to realize how much of myself I had lost. Our kids loved having the break as well, and getting a mom that wasn't so frazzled all the time. And don't just do respite for the weekend, although that is better than nothing. I don't think that is not enough time to recharge, IMHO-you need at least a week. I read somewhere that for every 3 weeks of caregiving, you need 1 week off. I'm not sure what world that writer lived in, because no one I know can to do that, but the point is that caregiving is physically and emotionally exhausting and depleting, such that a 3:1 ratio is needed to keep us sane and functioning. The times I have put my husband in respite care have been a godsend. I honestly don't know if I would have been able to keep him at home this long if I didn't get those breaks. I really hope you can get a break as well. Oh, and a bonus: when we first started using respite, my husband came home much more appreciative of all that I do to keep him at home 
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